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So I haven't posted anything in the last couple of days...
am in a very "Bridget Jones" type writting funk so will be writting like this....
Weekend was fine. Got sick, didn't go to Sunfest (a wonderful music fest) and missed seeing Fergie and Natasha Beddingfield, who sings an amazing song called "I want to have your babies" but more on that later.
Went to yoga this morning for the first time...omg hot as hell in there! Bikram is not for the weak. very proud of self  for staying the entire 90 min and sweating it out. felt very very disgusting after and wished I had makeup on as hott guy at the counter kept trying to make conversation. 
Last night at work had company for one of the first times, besides my friend K, no one has ever wanted to actually come to work with me! don't blame them either as giving baths and cooking dinner for toddlers can't seem that much fun for most people. New friend V, came to visit me last night and saw my routine of putting A to bed. Was actually forced to sing in front of her as A has me sing songs to wind her down - hate singing in front of people, which proves how much I love A. Was very nice to have grown up talk on Saturday night for once! Most sat nights consist of me sitting in front of big screen TV admiring hott men or watching Law and Order: SVU or SNL..
Realized that college is coming up sooner than I want to believe. Quite scary actually. V and I looked at colleges last night and found that I can start applications in JULY! Cant believe this time next year I will know where I'm going to college. 
In exciting news, think that D might be pregnant!! If so, I will be godmommy - very excited! Sad that I will be going off to college soon after baby is born though. I hope its a girl - I can't see T with a boy and A prefers girls.  Am hoping very much that pregnancy is in fact real and not just a "sense", will see later in the month. Speaking of babies, listening to Natasha Beddingfield's new cd who has a song, "I want to have your babies". Beautiful song. Would love to play that for future husband. Have to keep that in mind. Pretty scary to also think that in a matter of years, I will be having babies!!!! Hope I will not be an awful parent. 
Mother's day is next Sunday. Must find present for D, since as of this year she has become my godmother. Haven't shopped for Mothers day present for 11 years, have no idea what to get. Given photos of A before for other gifts but am stumped as what to do. She is not easy to shop for as she is all Organic and natural. No perfumes for her. Would love to get her new Coach bag but have no money...actually, I do as am not going back to NYC anymore. Have to find something!!!!!!!!
AP US History test on Friday. Very nervous and should probably be studying. Crutchfield(principal/nazi) got fired today- wont be there next year thank God!! According to her rules though, if I dont pass AP test, will not get AP credit, only honors and I will NOT take this course again in college!!! 
Off to go listen to Madonna's "Hard Candy". Loving song, Candy Shop. will have to burn for dads office. I need new movie soundtracks for kids, if I have to sing Sound of Music's "DO-RE-MI" one more time to A, will never watch movie again. Perhaps she'll like Julie Andrew's Cinderella?

Blahhhhhg

I just realized how friken much I value people and relationships. 
I mean you never really know how much you like someone or love them until the relationship goes on hard terms, I guess thats how you know that you're crazy about them. 
My stomach gets this knot in the middle of it and its like I just want to scream or throw up or something like that. Or maybe both and then go and vomit some more. 
I hate my big mouth sometimes. Its one of my best and worst qualities and then the times that I should say something I dont and wish that I had. 
Like today I took A to the library for story time and we were walking around and she likes to babble to herself. She wasnt bothering a soul and we go in the corner of a section so I could check who had called me on my phone and this dumb ass woman who thinks shes so smart looks at me and glares. I say "sorry" and I start to walk away when she goes "its incredibly rude of your daughter to be making noise" I just stare at her and she yells "shush" to A. I wanted to go slap the shit out of that woman - no one will talk to my luv like that! I held my tongue though and gave her a tight smile and walked away and reported her to the librarian person. 
OK I feel a little bit better now, but I won't be getting to sleep if I dont get a response back from someone about something in a few minutes and I know that they are on the computer so it's driving me crazy!!! 
Still don't know what I want to do this summer- actually I know, but its not going to happen . I wish I was 18 so that I could go to another state by myself. I would love to go to NYC for a week and just experience it like a New Yorker. I'm totally fine with going alone so thats not a problem. And I work so I have the money. Its not like I have to save money for gas or anything since my invisible bat mobile wont be here until the Fall. ..............
sigh, what A LIFE. At least I'm getting a car..I think...

I spoke tonight at my old elementary/middle school and I brought my  best friend K with me. We both went there and we both spoke - something I wanted to do for a long time. I was so nervous, I don't even know what I said. Apparently I'm a good public speaker though. I would do it again in a heartbeat. For the longest time that was my home, my safe place. Thank God for my job becaus I wouldn't have one now. I went for a year in 9th grade without having one and that was a disaster....
ok going to go check for a response again and then go watch some 30 Rock to calm me down. I LOVE Tina Fey, she's definitly relatable to me and I want her job- I want to be like her one day!!!
So I should probably let people know a bit about my family life. No mom, she left when I was 6, I have a younger brother 6 years younger than me and we both live with my dad,
My dad and I have been trying to improve our relationship for the past year and a half with therapy after one of his girlfriends almost destroyed everything we had between us, We didn't trust eachother, there was no communication and I was hurting pretty badly. Thank God for therapy - it has at times saved us slowly. 
We still have our arguments though, just not as often. I am definitly the screamer and he is the reactor - not a very good mix. We are so similiar that we butt heads and both of us are quite stubborn. 
Last night got into HUGE fight..one of the worst in a while. I'm still quite hurt and I believe he knows it. Brother (R) and his friend had been at my house since I had gotten home and they started to mess around in my room - jumping on my bed ect. They know it pisses me off. I first asked nicely for them to get out, they laughed in my face, than they continued. My father has told me before that if I have a problem with them and I cant solve it to tell him so I do and what does he do, he yells at me! tells me that I was instigating - I WASNT EVEN AROUND THEM! I WAS ON THE FREAKIN COMPUTER IN THE OTHER ROOM. He does absofucking nothing so I have to go back in there and finally after 15 min of my time, get them out of there. 
The night goes on and its 10:00 they finally stop fucking around and decide to call this girl that r likes. He texts her first (yes, my 12 yr old bro and my father have text but the 17 yr old does not, does THAT seem fair to you?) and she mistakes him for a girl (obviosuly the girl is a genuis) so then he calls her......and apparently leaves a message. I am unaware that he is calling and leaving said message so I scream across the room "Robert you hairy bastard clean up your crap that you left out here) he freaks, hangs up phone and starts beating me up while his friend eggs him on. The kid is NOT small either. probably 120 lbs and 5'1. Im 5'3 - my weight is no ones business. As a result, I know have bruised knees, bruises alll over my back and my neck is killing me - yes very sexy indeed.
Robby finally stops beating me up after i manage to shove him into a wall and he starts crying like he's on drugs and my dad comes out screaming what the fuck is going on.
Robby (crying) : SHE CALLED ME A HAIRY BASTARD WHILE I WAS ON THE PHONE WITH EMILY'S ANSWERING MACHINE
dad: (Yelling) YOU DID WHAT
Me: I didnt know he was on the phone
DAD: YOU ARE GOIUNG TO WRITE THIS GIRL AN APOLOGY NOTE.
Me: fine...your son just beat the shit out of me, you think you could do something maybe? by the way you want me to apologize to a girl for calling my BROTHER a name?
Dad: You deserved it and your computer privileges are taken away
Me: fine, whatever dont care. 
DAD: ITS EATING YOU UP THAT YOUR BROTHER CAN ACTUALLY GET SOMEONE TO LIKE HIM YET YOU CANT. YOUR SOCIAL LIFE SUCKS AND YOUR TAKING IT OUT ON OTHERS
Me: EXCUSE ME? IM SORRY THAT LAST WEEK I WENT OUT WITH A GUY AND HE HIT ME AND YOU DID NOTHING BUT I GUESS THATS A REACURRING THING THAT KEEPS HAPPENING -  GUYS HITTING ME AND YOU DOING NOTHING. IM SICK OF THIS IM LEAVING. I DONT NEED THIS.
dad: YOUR NOT GOING ANYWHERE GO TO YOUR ROOM AND DONT COME OUT
Me: FINE I'LL SLEEP....IF YOU KNOW THAT ROBBY'S DATING LIFE IS HURTING ME THAN WHY DONT YOU SAY ANYTHING, WHY DONT YOU  COMFORT ME? TELL ME THAT I'LL GET SOMEONE EVENTUALLY. 
Dad: BECAUSE YOUR 18! YOU NEED TO MAKE YOUR OWN LIFE. 
Me: IM 17 AND JUST BECAUSE IM OLDER DOESNT MEAN I DONT NEED LOVE AND REASURRANCE. YOU KNOW MY SELF ESTEEM IS LOW SO THANKYOU VERY MUCH FOR MAKING IT LOWER. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW EASY YOU HAVE IT, I COULD HAVE A GREAT FUCKING SOCIAL LIFE BUT I CHOSE NOT TOO BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO PUT YOU THROUGH MORE PAIN OF HAVING SOMEONE YOU LOVE USE ALCOHOL AND DRUGS,  HELL RIGHT NOW I COULD BE OFF SMOKING POT AND GETTING PREGNANT.

So that was my fight.....I'm still hurting deeply and the only thing that I did today was go out to breakfast with V. Thank God she  got me out of the house. I havent seen my brother or father all day and I called him once to say good morning and i was sorry for some things I said. I also apologized to my brother via note for calling him a hairy bastard. All the feelings about getting guys have popped back into my head and Im terrified again that there is no one out there for me. I want commitment and partnership so badly. I see guys with their girlfriends and it makes me so jealous. I want to be loved by a man that loves me for me, not my money, or my things but for my heart. I want someone who wants to spend the rest of our lives together. If I could, I would get married tommorow.
Perhaps its the affects of a broken home. I want to create my own family - lots of kids and a husband that loves me just as I am. You're told all the time when you're a little girl that someday your prince will come and wake you up, but I look back at those things now and all I can think is " where is he?" 
I hate being alone. Hate it. And then the guys that I do go out with treat me like shit, and try and take advantage of me. They see me as an easy target. 
I have been making people part of my family since I was 6 and my mom left. I always knew that I needed more people in my life for different things. Things like shaving. The first time I shaved I was in 5th grade and I sat in my bathtub with a shirt and shorts on in no water and used the razor on my dry virgin skin. I had NO idea that you were supposed to use water, it wasn't until my dads gf at the time that I loved, saw the cuts all over my legs and asked me what had happend. She than hugged me and taught me how to shave properly. I am still entirely greatful for her. She gave me hope but then they broke up and I was devastated. Another woman I thought loved me out of my life again. 
He had other girlfriends and I liked them at first too. We developed good relationships, talked of marriage to my dad, building onto our house, going to see the cities but than like the ones before they too would go away and I would be the one that was hurt. 
It's been a Long time since I've been able to let another woman into my life to help me out but I'm realizing that I need help growing up, that I can't do it all on my own as much as I want to. 
God blessed me when he set me out to work as a babysitter one day for a family down the street. I had no idea who they were or that in a matter of months I would practically be living there and I would have a safe haven- a second home. This was all hapening when my dads latest gf and I were in a midst of a long time fight and I was breaking emotionally and mentally. I needed someone to talk to, someone to let me cry and hear me out. The wonderful woman I worked for started talking to me and we clicked, D has become my godmom and T, like a father that actually listens and seems interested in my life. 
I am enternally greatful for my second family, They have saved me from what could have been a hell of a life. In fact, I'm over here right now at my other home writting this while I wait for them to come back from their night out. The best part of all was that I now also have a georgous 3 yr old sister, A. I've known her since she was 16 months and couldn't even say full sentences. She is my little angel. I have a new outlook on life that I've never had before- through a child's eyes. I can sing and be silly and she thinks its the most wonderful thing in the world. I get amazing hugs and wet kisses, drawings of what she sees and stories that she makes up about her friend goldilocks. She is the most amazing little human being I've ever come across. Maybe I'm biased, but shes smarter than your average 3 yr old too. 
Nights when I put her to sleep are the best part of my days, she cuddles all close and I watch as she falls asleep- my heart filled with some sort of love like I've never had before. Knowing that she has such an innocence and that she is so pure and like me, just trying to find her niche in the world is beautful. It makes me want my own child so so much. 

God has blessed me before and in my heart I know that He will bless me with the man of my dreams too, but it's the waiting and the uncertainty that drives me insane. I'm not a very patient person and in a way I guess this is a lesson in patience, that my dreams will come true one day. I'm only 17 so I guess for now despite what the world tells me, that I have to be sleeping around and having a boyfriend now that its ok to wait and to quote my favorite childhood princess Snow White, yes, "someday my price will come."

And the winner is.....

So today I went to the Palm Beach Post Awards for Journalism Excellence 2008....duh...
I entered the catagory of News Writing because, well hey, I thought I had a pretty good shot - at least at honorable mention, but no I didn't win.
The two editors, V.H. and S.L. didn't win for that catagory either so I don't feel that bad....although I admit, I am dissapointed...I really thought I had a chance. I guess it's because the girl who did win, and she totally deserved too after reading her work, was able to write on subjects that we would never be allowed to write on. I submitted  articles on Going Green, Red Ribbon Week, and the crazy experience of Black Friday. 
I do honestly feel very happy for that girl though, who's name also started with K...beautiful name really, Katiana something... 
So now onto the good news though. After they read through all the individual catagories with only 2 staff members coming in 2nd place for photography and opinion, I sort of figured that we had no chance. The fact that we could possibly win for overall best newspaper never once entered my mind. I mean, yeah our paper is good, but honestly I find it far from the best. It's just NOT newsy enough...we are so limited to what we are allowed to write, it's so very frusterating!!!  Anyway suprised the hell out of me, but The Legend  Won Best Overall High School Newspaper for Palm Beach and Treasure Coast.  Yay! 
Our trophy was huge and I felt very proud being able to touch it, still haven't held it... They mentioned why we won because of our informative articles such as "steps to going green" (Cough...MY idea, but more on that in a minute) and our "newsy report on beating a basketball team for the first time in 11 years." so Good job Legend staff of '08! Makes me proud to be News Editor.
Back to the whole going green thing though. There is this girl on the staff (J) who is constantly whining and bitching about anything and everything. NOTHING is ever good enough for her, and it doesn't matter what it is..from senior gifts to her cell phone - nothing can satisfy this girl. She has never once treated me kindly and despite the fact that I have complimented her, been nice to her since day one and tried to befriend her - nothing! She always has something bitchy to say and I'm sick of it. She will be the one person I wont miss next year. Anyway I'm pretty sure that she steals my ideas for feature articles...At the beginning of the year, my first idea for the paper was to write a story and even an informative guide about how to "Go Green" since I knew that in the coming months it would be a popular subject. I wrote this before the Palm Beach Post did, before the NY Times, before the celeb crazy action on it because its a subject that is near and dear to my heart. 
I suggested this and S told me to go ahead, that maybe later I could even do a feature on all the products I use. She thought it was a great idea, and while other members where a bit hesitant, I did it anyways. The only person who did not think it was a good idea was suprise, suprise - J. 
So I wrote the article and it was published.....Fast forward to a few months and guess what J decides to do for her features spread, a WHOLE STEP BY STEP GUIDE TO GOING GREEN! MY IDEA! MINE! MINE! Not ONCE was I acknowledged credit for coming up with the idea and she got all the praise for it. never mind that it was MY story that started it. I don't have the guts to tell remind anyone that it was my thing to begin with but today when the woman was saying how she loved that we included that, I wanted to get up and shout out that it was ME who had come up with it....It wasn't the first idea for a features spread that J stole from me either...she also took one about girls binge drinking and one about dangers of driving... IS THIS GIRL PURPOSELY OUT TO GET ME!? 
I guess the lesson here  is that it's all about becoming a better journalist. There will always be a J. in the work place and in the world and you have to learn how to deal with them. It's not about anything that you did, it's them and they are too stuck up to get their nose out of their ass and see whats around them. Its the signs of a very unhappy person, someone who changes for others and isn't happy with themselves. Sure, she might be getting praise for something that she did, but in the end who is left with the good ideas and who can do it better? Surely I'll get the chance to write more articles about things I love and right now is just practice until I can get into the real thing. How great would it be if I could actually start getting things published outside of The Legend?  I have to stay strong if I want to make it in this business and I'm grateful that I know how to hold my own from experiences. What doesn't kill us will make us stronger, so in a way I'm thankful to J....thankful that her actions have taught me to be the best I can be at what I do, and that sharing the credit is always an option...

Monday's almost back again

So I should be in bed, sleeping like a good girl, but instead the computer has called me to it...
I have no disipline according to some people, yet they hardly know me so they can't really judge.
Nothing made me more furious than having some woman who barely knows me tell me that (and I quote) I am "not grounded, you're just not disiplined and you don't use your time wisely"....sure lady because you know me for a few months and I see you for a few hours every other day, you automatically know my whole work ethic.
May I remind her that I ALWAYS get my projects and assingments in on time, which is more than I can say for some people, but I'm trying this new thing where I don't judge people.....should be interesting!
So here I am at 11:45 on Sunday night, listening to the soundtrack from Chicago the musical and typing some thoughts. 
My weekend was pretty boring. Went to the mall and got a new dryer, now my clothes can be "wrinkle free" as the man at the store told me, since my dryer (which I swear General Electric made for people under 4'9) is equipped with that wonderful feature! Must make up for the fact that I practically have to sit on the floor to unload the clothes - just the sort of thing I have time for when I'm in the midst of work, cooking, ACT studying and AP exam studying! 
Yes, those wonderful end of the year tests where you actually regret taking the AP class for a few weeks, are coming upon me pretty dang quickly. AP English composition and AP US History, which is reportedly the hardest one to pass....isn't that sad, Americans taking a test on their own history can't even pass it, yet immigrants who want so badly to get into this country most likely could. Just makes us Americans seem even dumber than we already come off as. 
I went to Toronto over Spring Break and it was such a NICE, LOVELY city. The only thing I didn't like was that there was a ton of smoking and not just cigarettes! People were smoking weed in the street like they could care less! Then it occured to me that, duh it's probably legal there. I'm a big Organic freak and I went to two markets where they had such a great variety of organic fruits, meats and vegetables for such LOW  prices!! Here organic Blueberries cost about $4.00 for a pack, there I got a pack of organic blueberries and an organic orange for the grand total of $3.00!!! IN AMERICAN DOLLARS WHICH IS WEAKER THAN CANADIAN RIGHT NOW!! You could have knocked me over I was so stunned! 
Just the fact that they were so cheap made me buy them although I ended up eating the blueberries at 3 AM on my way to the airport in the taxi since you can't bring them back into the states and I ended up giving my orange away at the airport. I probably could have snuck them into my backpack, since the TSA didn't really look all that interested in my stuff, but I would rather not get arrested in Canada for trying to sneak back fruits into the US...
The whole irony of the ordeal was, that the fruits that I bought in CANADA came for such a cheap price came from FLORIDA - THE STATE THAT I LIVE IN! So basically I have to fly to Canada for $300 + to get cheaper food thats been grown in the city next to me, than be allowed to go to the store down the street and get it for less money....pretty stupid, but hey thats America for you - home of the rules and regulations that make absolutly no sence! 
Don't get me wrong, I'm a full blooded American and I love my country, my home but seriously what is the price of living here going to come too? Sometimes I wonder if it would just be better to move to Canada, England or Australia and raise a family there. At least my husband and kids would have cute accents. 
Dang, official Monday morning and I already feel like crap. What is it about Mondays that makes peoople so grouchy?! Better get some sleep if I want to be somewhat awake tommorow.. 4 days til the Palm Beach Post Awards for journalism students!!! Can't wait to see if I get mentioned! That would make me week, plus look GREAT on college applications which is a whole other story altogether!

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justagirl1023
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