So I should probably let people know a bit about my family life. No mom, she left when I was 6, I have a younger brother 6 years younger than me and we both live with my dad,
My dad and I have been trying to improve our relationship for the past year and a half with therapy after one of his girlfriends almost destroyed everything we had between us, We didn't trust eachother, there was no communication and I was hurting pretty badly. Thank God for therapy - it has at times saved us slowly. 
We still have our arguments though, just not as often. I am definitly the screamer and he is the reactor - not a very good mix. We are so similiar that we butt heads and both of us are quite stubborn. 
Last night got into HUGE fight..one of the worst in a while. I'm still quite hurt and I believe he knows it. Brother (R) and his friend had been at my house since I had gotten home and they started to mess around in my room - jumping on my bed ect. They know it pisses me off. I first asked nicely for them to get out, they laughed in my face, than they continued. My father has told me before that if I have a problem with them and I cant solve it to tell him so I do and what does he do, he yells at me! tells me that I was instigating - I WASNT EVEN AROUND THEM! I WAS ON THE FREAKIN COMPUTER IN THE OTHER ROOM. He does absofucking nothing so I have to go back in there and finally after 15 min of my time, get them out of there. 
The night goes on and its 10:00 they finally stop fucking around and decide to call this girl that r likes. He texts her first (yes, my 12 yr old bro and my father have text but the 17 yr old does not, does THAT seem fair to you?) and she mistakes him for a girl (obviosuly the girl is a genuis) so then he calls her......and apparently leaves a message. I am unaware that he is calling and leaving said message so I scream across the room "Robert you hairy bastard clean up your crap that you left out here) he freaks, hangs up phone and starts beating me up while his friend eggs him on. The kid is NOT small either. probably 120 lbs and 5'1. Im 5'3 - my weight is no ones business. As a result, I know have bruised knees, bruises alll over my back and my neck is killing me - yes very sexy indeed.
Robby finally stops beating me up after i manage to shove him into a wall and he starts crying like he's on drugs and my dad comes out screaming what the fuck is going on.
Robby (crying) : SHE CALLED ME A HAIRY BASTARD WHILE I WAS ON THE PHONE WITH EMILY'S ANSWERING MACHINE
dad: (Yelling) YOU DID WHAT
Me: I didnt know he was on the phone
DAD: YOU ARE GOIUNG TO WRITE THIS GIRL AN APOLOGY NOTE.
Me: fine...your son just beat the shit out of me, you think you could do something maybe? by the way you want me to apologize to a girl for calling my BROTHER a name?
Dad: You deserved it and your computer privileges are taken away
Me: fine, whatever dont care. 
DAD: ITS EATING YOU UP THAT YOUR BROTHER CAN ACTUALLY GET SOMEONE TO LIKE HIM YET YOU CANT. YOUR SOCIAL LIFE SUCKS AND YOUR TAKING IT OUT ON OTHERS
Me: EXCUSE ME? IM SORRY THAT LAST WEEK I WENT OUT WITH A GUY AND HE HIT ME AND YOU DID NOTHING BUT I GUESS THATS A REACURRING THING THAT KEEPS HAPPENING -  GUYS HITTING ME AND YOU DOING NOTHING. IM SICK OF THIS IM LEAVING. I DONT NEED THIS.
dad: YOUR NOT GOING ANYWHERE GO TO YOUR ROOM AND DONT COME OUT
Me: FINE I'LL SLEEP....IF YOU KNOW THAT ROBBY'S DATING LIFE IS HURTING ME THAN WHY DONT YOU SAY ANYTHING, WHY DONT YOU  COMFORT ME? TELL ME THAT I'LL GET SOMEONE EVENTUALLY. 
Dad: BECAUSE YOUR 18! YOU NEED TO MAKE YOUR OWN LIFE. 
Me: IM 17 AND JUST BECAUSE IM OLDER DOESNT MEAN I DONT NEED LOVE AND REASURRANCE. YOU KNOW MY SELF ESTEEM IS LOW SO THANKYOU VERY MUCH FOR MAKING IT LOWER. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW EASY YOU HAVE IT, I COULD HAVE A GREAT FUCKING SOCIAL LIFE BUT I CHOSE NOT TOO BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO PUT YOU THROUGH MORE PAIN OF HAVING SOMEONE YOU LOVE USE ALCOHOL AND DRUGS,  HELL RIGHT NOW I COULD BE OFF SMOKING POT AND GETTING PREGNANT.

So that was my fight.....I'm still hurting deeply and the only thing that I did today was go out to breakfast with V. Thank God she  got me out of the house. I havent seen my brother or father all day and I called him once to say good morning and i was sorry for some things I said. I also apologized to my brother via note for calling him a hairy bastard. All the feelings about getting guys have popped back into my head and Im terrified again that there is no one out there for me. I want commitment and partnership so badly. I see guys with their girlfriends and it makes me so jealous. I want to be loved by a man that loves me for me, not my money, or my things but for my heart. I want someone who wants to spend the rest of our lives together. If I could, I would get married tommorow.
Perhaps its the affects of a broken home. I want to create my own family - lots of kids and a husband that loves me just as I am. You're told all the time when you're a little girl that someday your prince will come and wake you up, but I look back at those things now and all I can think is " where is he?" 
I hate being alone. Hate it. And then the guys that I do go out with treat me like shit, and try and take advantage of me. They see me as an easy target. 
I have been making people part of my family since I was 6 and my mom left. I always knew that I needed more people in my life for different things. Things like shaving. The first time I shaved I was in 5th grade and I sat in my bathtub with a shirt and shorts on in no water and used the razor on my dry virgin skin. I had NO idea that you were supposed to use water, it wasn't until my dads gf at the time that I loved, saw the cuts all over my legs and asked me what had happend. She than hugged me and taught me how to shave properly. I am still entirely greatful for her. She gave me hope but then they broke up and I was devastated. Another woman I thought loved me out of my life again. 
He had other girlfriends and I liked them at first too. We developed good relationships, talked of marriage to my dad, building onto our house, going to see the cities but than like the ones before they too would go away and I would be the one that was hurt. 
It's been a Long time since I've been able to let another woman into my life to help me out but I'm realizing that I need help growing up, that I can't do it all on my own as much as I want to. 
God blessed me when he set me out to work as a babysitter one day for a family down the street. I had no idea who they were or that in a matter of months I would practically be living there and I would have a safe haven- a second home. This was all hapening when my dads latest gf and I were in a midst of a long time fight and I was breaking emotionally and mentally. I needed someone to talk to, someone to let me cry and hear me out. The wonderful woman I worked for started talking to me and we clicked, D has become my godmom and T, like a father that actually listens and seems interested in my life. 
I am enternally greatful for my second family, They have saved me from what could have been a hell of a life. In fact, I'm over here right now at my other home writting this while I wait for them to come back from their night out. The best part of all was that I now also have a georgous 3 yr old sister, A. I've known her since she was 16 months and couldn't even say full sentences. She is my little angel. I have a new outlook on life that I've never had before- through a child's eyes. I can sing and be silly and she thinks its the most wonderful thing in the world. I get amazing hugs and wet kisses, drawings of what she sees and stories that she makes up about her friend goldilocks. She is the most amazing little human being I've ever come across. Maybe I'm biased, but shes smarter than your average 3 yr old too. 
Nights when I put her to sleep are the best part of my days, she cuddles all close and I watch as she falls asleep- my heart filled with some sort of love like I've never had before. Knowing that she has such an innocence and that she is so pure and like me, just trying to find her niche in the world is beautful. It makes me want my own child so so much. 

God has blessed me before and in my heart I know that He will bless me with the man of my dreams too, but it's the waiting and the uncertainty that drives me insane. I'm not a very patient person and in a way I guess this is a lesson in patience, that my dreams will come true one day. I'm only 17 so I guess for now despite what the world tells me, that I have to be sleeping around and having a boyfriend now that its ok to wait and to quote my favorite childhood princess Snow White, yes, "someday my price will come."